ParentRise

by Loretta Maase, M.A.

If your children could ask you for anything in the world, what would they ask for? This may sound like a simple question, but have you ever really thought about the answer? It may surprise you.

The answer to this question is painfully illustrated in a story told by prominent parent educator Jim Fay (Love & Logic, Cline & Fay, 1990). Jim’s son, Charley, asked to borrow the family car to go to a party. Unable to loan it to him, Jim suggested that Charley ride to the party with a friend. Charley declined the offer and went to bed. Charley chose not to ride with his friend because his friend had a reputation for drinking and driving. The night of the party Charley’s friend drove himself and five passengers over a cliff at 80 miles an hour, killing all six on impact.

Charley survived the accident because he chose not to ride in the car. What inspires a teenager to make such a choice, even if it means missing out on the party of the year? In another scenario, two teen girls feel pressured by their boyfriends to give in to sex. One girl sets a clear boundary and asks the boy to leave if he can’t respect her. The other girl ends up pregnant and alone. What are the thoughts, goals, and motivations that cause our children to choose one option over another?

Charley and the abstinent young woman were raised in family systems that placed a high value on learning to get it right – that is, on learning, through trial and error, how to understand and make responsible choices. Of course there are no guarantees. There are many variables involved in raising responsible children such as family values and spiritual training. Conversely, many children who are raised in less-than-supportive environments, who are abused or left to raise themselves, seem to be able to develop a natural sense of responsibility all on their own. What would help a child embrace her family’s values instead of rebel against them? Perhaps the answer lies in the answer to our original question. “Teach me, one day at a time, one choice and consequence at a time, how to develop my own internal sense of responsibility so I can choose what’s right for me, even when no one’s looking.”

Helping our children develop personal responsibility is what the ParentRise is about. As we help our children learn, we, their parents, learn as well. As we become more consistent and intentional parents by setting clear boundaries, allowing real choices, and lovingly living with the results, we are helping to build a foundation for our children’s future. Not to mention, life gets a little calmer for us in the process.

Can we still parent effectively, even if our children live part-time in another home, with another family that has a very different parenting style from our own? The answer is yes, of course. What’s required of us, however, is that we put in the time, the effort, and the preparation to actually parent effectively in our own homes. We’re going to put in time one way or another – in preventing problems before they arise or solving them once they do. Why not buy into the old adage: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?

Helping our children learn responsibility while fostering peace and stability in our homes is something we can do, no matter what our life circumstances are. However, we must begin at the beginning and with the most influential tool we’ve got: our selves.

© Loretta Maase, M.A. All Rights Reserved. Loretta Maase, M.A., - Executive Director of Parent Rise. Ms. Maase has an undergraduate degree in child development and a Masters degree in Counseling, with a specialization in child development and parent-education. She is the author of 'The Parent Rise Connection' parenting program for single parents. As former Regional Director of two foster care agencies, clinical director of The Parenting Center of Albuquerque, and therapist in private practice, Ms. Maase has taught parent education to hundreds of parents since the 1980’s. She is the proud parent of two daughters, Lily and Arielle.